If I had to sum up my life in one word, that word would be 'full'. Over the years I've faced many joys and many sorrows. I've been a wife, a mother, a sister. I've lost friends and loved ones, including my eldest daughter. I've watched Treesa grow into the person she's become.
To share my story with you I will need to go back, back to those first playtimes with me and my husband Michael.
Michael
Michael is a Dance Club Ken, named after Irish dancer Michael Flatley. What can I say, it was the 1990s.
How children play can often be changed by the world around them. Their imaginations can be shaped by the books they read, the movies they see, and the television shows they watch. In mine and Michael's case, I think it would be fair to say that Treesa watched the movie musical South Pacific with her mother one too many times. During playtimes Michael would be cast as a soldier, and me the native lady he loved. But South Pacific couldn't have been Treesa's only source of ideas, since every playtime had us taking shelter in an imaginary cave from an imaginary blizzard. In Treesa's imagination Michael would sometimes be sick or hurt, and I would have to care for him.
There was another doll who sometimes joined us at playtime, in the role of a French woman helping us hide from enemy troops. She didn't have a name. At least, none of the names Treesa gave her ever lasted long. Treesa could never seem to remember what she'd named this doll. So every playtime, Treesa called her by a different name. I think if Treesa had been more attached to this doll, it would have been easier for Treesa to remember the doll's name. But Treesa was never that close to her. She was a dollar store doll that Treesa's cousin K. had conned Treesa into buying off of her. From what I understand, Treesa's mother was upset about it. But Treesa's aunt would not make her daughter, Treesa's cousin, return the money. I think she wanted it to be a learning experience for Treesa.
For a while Treesa tried to make the best of things. But the dollar store doll seemed to know her days were numbered. She never said anything about it, but a cloud of melancholy seemed to hang over her. I hated to see her like that, dealing with such a heavy burden alone. I felt that if her time here was going to be cut short, then someone should be helping her make the most of the time she had. So I tried to reach out to her, offering her my friendship. Though she never was able to share her own problems with me, she was wise enough to notice that I was troubled by some problems of my own, and was kind hearted enough to want to help me.
The source of my troubles was Michael, not Michael himself but the way that Treesa had thrown us together. The level of caring we were forced to act out during playtime made me feel uncomfortable around Michael. I never knew how I should speak to him when playtime was over. I felt it would be easier for us to work together if we became friends. But I also worried that if I was too friendly, Michael would misunderstand. I didn't want to risk misleading him that way, making him think I loved him, only to have him find out later that I didn't.
The dollar store doll listened carefully to everything I said before offering any advice. When she did speak, she said I should set aside some time and really talk things over with Michael. I should let him know how uncomfortable I felt, and that I wanted to get to know him better so it would be easier to work with him. She said as long as I was clear about my intentions from the beginning there shouldn't be a problem, that if Michael was the kind of doll I would want to be friends with he would understand.
She was right. Michael seemed to understand my feelings perfectly, once I found the courage to talk to him. He said he knew what I meant about feeling uncomfortable, that he too felt awkward both during playtime and whenever he saw me afterwards. When I learned that Michael shared many of the same feelings I had, it was much easier to talk to him. We were able to share our thoughts openly, and we were even able to laugh about the unlikely storyline that Treesa had created for us.
I can't say exactly when my feelings for Michael crossed over from friendship into love. All I can say looking back is that I'm glad they did. Michael is everything I ever could've wanted in a husband and more. One regret I have is that the dollar store doll never got the chance to see how my relationship with Michael worked out. She was already gone when Michael and I married. I don't know if she was given away, or broken, or made the choice to leave herself. Treesa doesn't seem to remember what happened to her.
(to be continued...)
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