Christmas means a lot of things to a lot of people, but 'peace on earth' seems like one of the more popular phrases around Christmas time. And I figured out pretty quick that I wasn't going to feel 'at peace' until I told Jasper the truth. So I did. But I decided to wait until after Christmas. I didn't want to risk ruining the holiday for Jasper.
The day I came clean I found Jasper over by the window, staring out at the sky. I wasn't sure if he knew I was there at first. But then he said, "Hello Alice," just like he did when we first met. He turned to me and smiled, just a little. It was like he wanted me to know he was happy to see me, but he didn't want to risk making me uncomfortable by showing me with a full on smile just HOW happy he was to see me.
"Jasper," I said, plunging right in, "there's something we need to talk about." Jasper's smile disappeared and his expression turned more serious. I kept going. "Listen, you've probably noticed I'm a little uncomfortable around you," I said. Jasper nodded.
"The thing is," I told him, "I already knew a Jasper doll before, at my old house. We were part of a collection, all Twilight dolls. It was like having a big family. Jasper loved me like a little sister but me...I just loved him." I was sort of stumbling over my words, but I knew I had to keep going. "We all got donated to the thrift store but Treesa didn't buy Jasper,"
"Because she already had me," Jasper said, putting the pieces together. His facial expression didn't change but I saw so much feeling in his eyes. He looked...crushed. I'd expected him to be disappointed when I told him but this, this went beyond just being disappointed.
Jasper turned away, hunching his shoulders like there was a heavy weight pushing down on him. Then he said, "I'm so sorry Alice." The words came out sort of hoarse, and I realized then the feeling that was weighing him down so much was guilt. He felt like it was his fault that I was unhappy, and that I wasn't with the doll I loved. He must've thought if he hadn't been here first, Treesa would've bought my Jasper.
"It's not your fault Jasper," I said, and I meant it. "You didn't know. That's why I'm telling you."
Jasper's posture didn't change. I wondered if he'd even heard what I said. What Jasper said next made me realize just how deep his feelings went. "I never meant to hurt you Alice," Jasper said. "You have to believe that." It took a minute before I got the full meaning of what he was saying. The real reason Jasper was hurting so much was because he thought that he was hurting me, and that was the last thing he ever wanted to do. Jasper thought that, just by being here, he was constantly reminding me of what I'd lost.
I'd thought that telling Jasper the truth would make me feel better. Instead, I just felt horrible. Because of me, Jasper was blaming himself for something that wasn't his fault. All I could think was how badly I'd screwed things up, and how much I wanted to fix them. But how could I convince Jasper that none of this was his fault. An idea popped into my head and I acted on it without thinking. First I touched Jasper's arm, to get his attention. It worked. Jasper turned back to look at me. "We're dolls Jasper," I said. "We can't control what our humans do. And as far as I know neither one of us can see the future. There's no way you could've known that me and the doll I was in love with would get donated at the same time, and that Treesa would only buy me because the other doll looked just like you. And even if you had known all that there's nothing you could've done about it. Besides, even if Treesa had bought the other Jasper doll, that doesn't mean he ever would've loved me THAT way. I told you he just treated me like a little sister."
I stopped talking for a minute, trying to think of something else to say. Then Jasper looked me in the eye. He didn't say anything at first. It was like he was trying to figure out if I really believed what I was saying. Anyway, Jasper must've made up his mind that I was being honest, and that I really didn't blame him for anything. "Thank you Alice," he said. He said it like he really meant it, like I had taken the weight of the world off his shoulders. Then I felt the crisp fabric of Jasper's shirt sleeve under my fingers and realized I was still touching his arm. That's when I started to feel uncomfortable, and embarrassed. I pulled my hand away.
"No problem," I said. "What are friends for?" I felt like I was babbling. Since when were me and Jasper friends?
"I'd like to be your friend Alice," Jasper said quietly. "And I'm sure Joy would too. But if it makes you too uncomfortable, I understand." I can't remember what I said after that. I'm not sure I want to. It was probably something stupid, or something that hurt Jasper's feelings. All I know is I've been thinking about Jasper a lot lately. I mean, I was thinking about him a lot before, trying to figure out how to tell him about Jazzy Jazz, my Jasper. The thing is, I don't really think of him as my Jasper anymore. It's like telling this Jasper the truth helped me finally let go.
There's this quote from Lewis Carroll that says, 'It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.' When Treesa first got me, I sometimes wished that I'd at least told Jazzy Jazz I was in love with him. But now, if I could somehow go back in time and do it, I don't think I'd want to anymore. Jazzy Jazz might only have loved me like a sister, but if he'd known I loved him he still would've worried about me after we got separated. He would've worried about whether or not I'd be able to move on. Since I never told him he should have a much easier time adjusting to wherever he is now.
As for me, I'm still trying to figure out what to do next. I've sort of been keeping to myself since Wedding Bells and Wedward left, so I'm not really close to any of the other dolls yet. Treesa was obviously hoping that Jasper could mend my broken heart or she wouldn't have introduced me to Joy. So what happens next? I guess I'll just have to 'go with the flow,' as Joy would say.
Alice
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