I should probably warn you ahead of time, this post might not make much sense. There's some stuff I'm trying to figure out right now, and I thought if I wrote everything down it'd help me sort out my thoughts. I'm not really sure where to start though. I guess I should pick up where I left off. When I last posted I wasn't really sure where my life was headed. So I was sort of on cruise control, waiting for something to happen. I know now waiting for something to happen isn't always the best idea. For one thing it gives you too much time to think, and I kept thinking about the last thing Jasper said to me.
After I told Jasper about Jazzy Jazz, the first doll I ever loved, Jasper thought I'd be happier if I didn't have to see him at all. I tried to tell Jasper I didn't blame him for me and Jazzy Jazz getting separated, but Jasper still must've thought having to be around him day after day would torture me. So he just kept avoiding me, and he was really good at it. It was early January when I told Jasper about Jazzy Jazz, and I barely got a glimpse of Jasper for the rest of the month.
At first I was sort of relieved. Telling Jasper about my first love had made me really uncomfortable. I'd never told anyone how I felt about Jazzy Jazz, not even Treesa when she'd asked if I'd left someone special behind. I'd never even told my old family, though I think some of them might've figured it out anyway. Jazzy Jazz couldn't have known, because if he had things would've been a lot more awkward between us. Things probably would've been a lot more awkward for the whole family if word got around that I was in love with Jazzy Jazz. It was sort of embarrassing and uncomfortable, being in love with someone who thought of me as a sister. So I just never told anyone.
But I had to tell Jasper. I realized pretty quick that Jasper liked me, and it wasn't fair to let him get his hopes up. The sooner I told him I couldn't love him the sooner he'd move on. So I told Jasper how I felt about Jazzy Jazz. Those feelings I'd hid and guarded for so long were finally out in the open. I didn't realize it then, but I was trusting Jasper with my biggest secret. Jasper knew though, and he wouldn't break that trust. That's why he didn't tell anyone, not even his sister Joy. I hate to say it but I was really surprised when I found out Jasper hadn't told her. I mean, I never thought Jasper would tell everyone, but I thought he'd at least tell his sister. It wasn't until a couple months after I started hanging out with Joy that I found out she didn't know.
That's right, I'm sort of friends with Joy now. When Wedding Bells and Wedward left I knew I'd have to make new friends eventually. You can't take two steps in Treesa's room without bumping into another doll, so it's not like I could avoid having any contact with the rest of the collection. And honestly I didn't want to be a loner. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life thinking about the past and wishing things hadn't changed. I wanted to be able to move on. But moving on is tough, and I'll admit I really didn't try that hard to make friends at first. I was polite to everybody, but close friendships are something you have to work at, and I knew I wasn't putting in as much effort as I should've.
I can't really explain why I started hanging out with Joy. I'd met a lot of Treesa's other dolls by then, so I could've tried making friends with someone else. But when I tried to think of dolls I'd have something in common with nobody seemed like the right fit. Halle and me both had some grudges against Treesa, but Halle's a lot more...hostile to humans than I am. Lois is a character doll from a movie, like me. But Lois has more of an independent streak than I do. Dandelion, and her friends Shade and Rampion, are fun-loving dolls who like to have a good time. The way they act around each other reminds me of my old family. But I didn't think I was lively enough to fit in with them.
When I thought about Joy, I remembered her go with the flow, take things as they come attitude. I wondered if she could teach me to be like that. And I'll admit I was also curious about Jasper. I couldn't forget the last thing he'd said to me the day I told him about Jazzy Jazz. Jasper told me he'd like to be my friend, but only if it wasn't too painful for me. For some reason that really stuck with me. Here was a doll who cared about me so much he'd put what I wanted first, even if it wasn't what he wanted. The more I thought about it the more I wondered how he could be so selfless. I mean, when I lived with my old family I was close enough to all of them that I would've gone out of my way to help them if they needed me. But Jasper had already proved he'd do anything in his power to make me happy, and he barely knew me! It made me wonder if Jasper really could've fallen in love with me at first sight. Or maybe he only thought he was in love with me. Maybe he'd fallen in love with his first impression of me, and not the real me. Or maybe, because he was a Jasper doll, there was something molded into his plastic that made him fall in love with the first Alice doll he saw. Would he still have fallen in love if it'd been another Alice doll he met, and not me? But if it was something in his plastic, if all Jasper dolls automatically fell in love with the first Alice doll they saw, then why had Jazzy Jazz only ever loved me like a sister?
I wasn't sure if I'd ever have the answers to all these questions, but for some reason I wanted to at least try and find out. I can't really explain why. Maybe it was just the timing. It was mid-February by then. Valentine's Day was coming, and without Wedding Bells and Wedward and the rest of my family around me there was no one to take my mind off it. I was in a new house, surrounded by new dolls, and even though I'd been here for a while those dolls still felt like strangers. I felt completely alone.
The first time I went to visit Joy I was a little nervous, because I hadn't come up with a good excuse for why I was dropping by. But Joy was just as friendly as she'd been when Treesa first introduced us. I don't remember exactly what I said when she asked if there was a reason I'd stopped by. I think I told her I felt overwhelmed. Trying to decide which dolls would make the best friends by weighing the pros and cons was sort of stressing me out, but I didn't say that out loud. Whatever I said probably didn't make much sense to Joy, but she didn't ask me to explain. She just started talking about the weather. Then whenever the conversation started to drag she switched to another safe, small-talk topic.
Valentine's Day came up, of course. Joy told me it's not a very popular holiday in Treesa's collection. Most of Treesa's dolls don't even celebrate it. For the most part it's an excuse for the married couples to get one of their friends to watch the kids so they can spend some quality time together. I guess it makes sense if you really think about it. Toy companies always make a lot more female dolls than male dolls, since most dolls are bought for little girls and little girls like dressing their dolls up and playing with their hair. So unless you have a really small doll collection it's almost impossible for every female doll to find the love of her life. Luckily some dolls like staying single. Dandelion and Lois don't seem like they're in a hurry to find dates.
(Note From Treesa: The post that Alice drafted is way too long, so I'm breaking it up. I'll post the rest later.
Signed, Treesa)
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